WHAT AM I? WHO AM I?

I’m one of those guys who you see daily at the bus stop waiting for the bus or walking with the crowd on road…..

I’m one of those guys who is in a engineering college like many are but is yet to figure out his goal of life…..

I’m one of those guys who grumbles about the study load at college and bitches about his teachers and course curriculum…..

I’m one of those guys who go out for movies with his friends and then argues with them as to who’ll go and buy the popcorn and coke…..

I’m one of those guys who gets immense pleasure and a sense of relief when he listens to his favorite playlist…..

I’m one of those guys who loves reading novels a lot and is planning to write one too…..

I’m one of those guys who spends almost half the day on social media like Whatsapp, Facebook, Blogger and Instagram…..

I’m one of those guys who talks to his family at least once a day but never shares his problems so that they don’t get tensed….

I’m one of those guys who are a complete emotional fool but still manage to survive somehow…..

I’m one of those guys who wears a façade when he is a part of a social gathering…..

I’m one of those guys who really really likes a girl but circumstances dosen’t favour him…..

I’m one of those guys who thinks his life is fucked up but still does nothing about it…..

I’m one of those guys who complains daily about how the system functions but never takes any initiative to do anything about it…..

I’m one of those guys who feel sad and depressed when he sees someone in pain but forgets about it in 30 minutes…..

I’m one those guys who’ll regret more for the things he did not do than for the things he actually did…..

I’m one of those guys who suffer from multiple personality disorder……

I’m one of those guys who is a realist, veiled as a pessimist, who dreams to be an optimist…..

I’m just not like you…. But  I’m just like everybody else…..  In the most different way…...

I may sound contradictory but yes I am an idea. I am a constellation of thoughts. I am ordinary, but I dream big. My successes are not of much important, but neither are my failures…..

But, I am not just a dot on the planet. I am a lot of things to a lot of people. Good and bad, but not a mere existence…..

I am not a kid anymore, but I'd love to be…..

I get happy with the smallest of life's gifts, but that does not mean I do not want the big ones. I am a materialist with a heart…..

I hate fighting. But politics and wars interest me……

I am a procrastinator. I always plan on working hard an hour from 'now'…..

I like to believe I can do great, but I have my doubts…..

I like to be alone, I love solitude but still hate being left out…..

I love writing, but words don't come to me very easily. So I write in circles…..

I am laid back in action but urgent in thought…..

I fall from elegance with a dull thud and I apologize for my awkward sadness…..

I like it meticulous, but my room is really messy…..

I hate my neighbours playing loud music, but I myself sing at the top of my voice…...

I sometimes believe that I don’t belong around people, that I belong to all the leap days that didn’t happen…..

Seriously words will fall less to describe who I am….

A wanderer in search of life….

A conjurer in search of magic…..

A poet in search of rhymes…..

A writer in search of words…..

A child in search of innocence…..

A whisper in search of voice……

A human in search of true love…..

A darkness in search of light…..

A person in search of myself…..

I own my triumphs and successes, all my dreams, failures and mistakes, I have tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive and make sense…..

I own me and therefore I can engineer me…..

To end on a happy note, I am too interesting to handle, trust me…..

I am a contradiction….. A conundrum….. A puzzle and a riddle waiting to be solved…..

A story unfolding…..

A Nightmare ....

A horrifying scream from his daughter’s room woke him up, he rushed to her room seeing her being raped by two masked men. Suddenly, he was hit on the head.

                                                            
                                                                 *************

He stared at the ceiling for hours waiting for the alarm clock to ring. Relieved that it was a dream but terrified at the same time as it was too frightful and gruesome. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, yet wanted to forget it at the same time. Then, as the clock struck 7, he went to his daughter’s room to wake her up for school. After she was gone, he decided to ditch work that day and waited for her to return. He started to look back upon his life and regretted on how he had not paid much attention to his daughter after his wife’s death, and thought about how her treatment expenditure had them drown in debt, and then how after her death he didn’t have the time for emotions. He worked day and night and now they were finally out of the debt trap, but there was this mark burnt deep inside him that somehow “he has failed as a father” and he was filled with remorse for ignoring her daughter’s feelings and not being there to support her and after a year passed since his wife’s death, they had gotten used to living that way. To talk less, and just get the job done. "Just get the job done", he mumbled in despair. Somehow, that day, he had lost his daughter too along with his wife.

He decided to change that today. However, at the same time, he was surprised as to how much that little girl, just 12 years old, had silently endured all this and not uttered a word. “ How did she get through all this ? It wasn’t easy even for him to cope up with the loss “, he wondered. 

                                                                 ***************


The bell rang. “Must be her”, he thought. He ran to get the door.
She was surprised to find her father at home. She asked, “ What are you doing here? Where is she?”
“I told her to take the day off“, he responded. “ Can we go out somewhere today?”.
“Sure”, she said reluctantly. 

So the two took off. Calm replies to her father's general inquiries about her studies, life and friends, came out as an effort of not wanting to ignore him. She just couldn't make her father feel guilty for his long forgiven absence by keeping mum. Silence had dwelled in the air between them for quite a long  time now. She turned on the music in the car to vanish the silence.
She had never blamed her father for what he did, she understood him all along. She knew that if he didn’t do what he did, they would be on the streets.

He took her to the place, they often visited when she was little. She remembered how much she loved coming here with her father and how she had completely forgotten about it in all these years.However, she was glad to be here today. She asked him, thinking it would bring back some old memories, “Dad ?, can we have some ice-cream first?”

He recalled, how when she was small, she wanted to have as many flavours as she could get hold of and how afterward, she would fall sick and then how he was scolded by his wife for spoiling her. “Ice-cream it is”, he said, with a smile on his face, remembering the old times.

As he approached the counter, he noticed how nothing has changed at all in six years like this place was stuck in time for all these years. After having ice- cream, they sat on a table and ordered some food.

The voice of her laughing, sounded more pleasant to him than a cuckoo’s chirp. He noticed, how much she resembled her mother now in terms of looks. They both realised how much they missed her and looked back at all the fun times they had together when she was alive.

She said gleefully, “I am really happy we came here” as if she had been for this day.

He then knew that he didn’t have to explain anything to her, that she understood everything already.

                                                                *************

They came home tired. He got her bed ready and she was soon fast asleep. He waited till she was asleep and then went to his room and lied down. 

Staring at the ceiling, smiling, euphoric he felt. He had felt like this when he talked to his wife for the first time. He still remembered each and every aspect of that conversation, the excitement and the fear he had in his mind, that why would someone so beautiful will ever like a person like him.He tossed and turned in his bed with happiness, relieved that he got his daughter back.
A loud scream exploded in his head. A foggy vision of a half dead, disfigured, naked young woman clouded his eyes.

                                                                 *************

Suddenly a scream woke him up. He stared at an unrecognised dead body. Naked, she lay on the floor like a piece of rotting meat. Scars on her face, blood spread on the floor. He became numb. Just kept on staring at her, he knew her from a half remembered dream.








# Summary

The first and last are the reality stages and the middle one is the dream.When he was struck on the head, he became unconscious and started dreaming. The dream state signifies what he wished he should have done when he saw his daughter being raped and knew that now they are going to be killed. He wished that he had one day to make things right, but now it is too late.
 
This thought went to his subconscious mind and he dreamt about it, exactly like he wanted the things to be. The dream stage is based on how he thinks she is still the same today as she was when she was 12, how the place they used to go hasn’t changed at all in six years as you can’t dream of new places you haven’t been, how she still wants to have ice-cream and still likes that place, whereas at 18, her interests have surely changed but as she is the father’s imagination of her daughter, he thinks she is still the obedient little innocent girl, she once was. This signifies that how parents usually are stuck in the past thinking their children haven’t grown at all.

The fact that he doesn’t have to apologise to his daughter also shows that he is dreaming, and everything happens according to his will. Like he didn’t wish to  actually say raw words and wanted her daughter to understand without him saying that he was sorry and how he imagines that his daughter has understood why he did what he did to pay the debt and why he had no time to pay attention to her. This also shows how we think in our mind that we are right, whereas there are different versions of being right, some will feel that the father was right, and some that he was wrong.

So,in the dream, everything is like he wishes things to be. 

But in reality, the relation with his daughter has worsened beyond repair. His daughter is involved with the wrong people, all these events have somehow led to her rape and murder.
The second scream at the end of the story, is of the maid, who enters the house because all doors and locks are broken now as the rapists broke into the house. 
When he wakes up, he has lost his memory and doesn’t recognise who she is on the floor, she is his daughter.
The maid is mentioned when the daughter asks “ Where is she? ( the maid) ” and the father replies that "he has told  her(the maid) to take the day off.”

P.S: This story of mine was published a year back on CampusGhanta, quora and some other blogs. I wrote it being anonymous.Sorry if you have read it earlier. Now i have reframed the story in a newway.

Biggest doubts of 2k15......

By and large year 2015 passed peacefully, 

but three questions left unanswered. 

1. Why katappa killed Bahubali? 

2. Who was driving Salman's car? 

3. How many husbands did indrani have?


If someone gets the answers, please inform 

me too :P

According to Salman's testimony, 
1. He went to the bar around midnight but only drank water. (Yeah, right.)

2. There were 2 drivers that day. The first one drove the car till he dropped Salman to the bar. He then told Salman that he was feeling sick and so by the time Salman will be in the bar he will call for another driver. When Salman came out of the bar, the fans around him went crazy and so he went inside the car sitting on the driver's seat waiting for the other driver to come. And so all the people's testimony who saw Salman in the driver's seat wasn't of any use.

3. Near the accident spot, the tyre of his LAND ROVER suddenly burst out of nowhere on the most posh roads of Mumbai and so the driver lost control of the car.

4. When the accident happened and he crushed people under his car, he was supposedly beside the driver's seat, but the door had jammed due to the accident. So he came out of the driver's seat. (LOL.)

5. *THIS IS THE MOST EPIC ONE*
     The person wasn't killed by his car,  rather he was killed by the crane which came afterwards to lift the car. (He has actually said this. Believe me.)

6. When he was taken to the hospital for blood tests, his blood sample was taken and after thorough tests, it was proved that he WAS under alcohol consumption. But wait, Salman says that the doctor wasn't fit for performing medical tests and the report  was submitted casually and is therefore false. (Why would a doctor who has nothing to do with Salman plainly lie just hours after the accident? Not everyone gets a Kick from doing all this.)

Some other facts :
1. Kamaal Khan (No, not KRK) was present in the car that night. But he wasn't called to the witness stand even once. (Shocking, right?)

2. Ravindra Patil, a police constable was also in the car all along that night. He maintained that Salman WAS drunk that night and he himself drove the car.
Guess what? Ravindra Patil is dead. He was fired from the police, he was harassed multiple times so he had to change his statement to be alive. He was deserted by his family and he spent his last days on a footpath (Yeah, I know. The irony.)  Even during his last days he maintained that Salman Khan was indeed the culprit. But because he had changed his statement multiple times, his statement wasn't taken into account. The prime witness' testimony upon which the  Bombay Police had rested their case on, was rendered useless.

3. The same facts upon which the sessions court had punished him for a 5 year jail term, were used by the Bombay High Court to prove him 'Not Guilty'.

This case can be the most interesting episode for the hit series 'How to Get Away With Murder'.

Things that can make only an INDIAN happy :P

Today i with two of my friends were debating over this silly topic. We were serious in the beginning but our debate infact became a jot down session of the things which make us Indians happy And gosh we came up with so many things that can make an average Indian happy. The things which makes an Indians happy can be as small as getting a wishful temporary tattoo from the inside of a Bubblegum (Boom Boom Boomer) to feeling accomplished after finishing the semester exams or unit tests. 

So lets start. I hope everyone can relate to this... :P

1. Parents learning to know how to use Whatsapp. They get super excited even after sending their first "hi" and putting their picture as dp. The same happened with my dad a year back and that smling expression on his faces was just priceless. 

2. Finding a 10 rupee note in the pocket of your old jeans.  Synonym for #treasure found# in India.

3. Extra papdi after Pani Puri. Asking for papdi after a mouth watering pani puri session is every Indian's birth right. None can decline this.

4. Getting a free treat. Everyone loves a free treat. Even if it is in some unkown person's marriage.

5. If you can get a reservation of window seat in bus,train or in any flight, it'd make any INDIAN happy. It doesn't matter what your age is.

6. Every student must have experienced this. 
Neighbours/Relatives kids /friends not doing so good at studies .(Low expectations from me I am beating them anyway).

7. Late night group studies with our all time favorite Maggie. The return of Maggi is the best moment of the year. 

8. Wedding. A wedding in India is not less than a festival. Shaadi Season brings smiles to our faces. #naach gaana..shor sharaba..and of course the free ka khana #staring beautiful hot girls in ethnic wear is the best part.

9. Being made to believe by buddies or almost everyone "she loves me". Self denial everyone is a fool, I am the smartest.... Every Indian guys story..

10. Getting money from relatives as blessing. Seriously typical Indian thing :P
This may sound as a easy transaction, but it is not actually so. Receivers are at first supposed to deny, act like they don’t want it while the elders insist. Everyone knows the money is eventually going to be accepted, but it’s never a simple give and take. There is whole melodrama associated with it.

11. Free Wifi can make us all stick to that place for hours.

12. Climbing onto a crowded train/bus  and finding an empty seat.

13. Public holidays,bandhs,strikes.Everybody likes a day off from work and not having to compensate for it.

14. Sighting a discount on an e-retail website.

15. Watching India prosper in Cricket :-  Be it M.S Dhoni hitting that historic six in the World Cup final, The spell that Ishant Sharma bowled to Ricky Ponting in Perth, Australia or The Master at the crease showing his class etc .

BUZZWORD

Because we dwell in metaphors and while the process we delve deep into the depth and form subjugating bonds with words like love, care and stuffs similar.

Some find pleasure in the process while some end up getting trapped by those polyglotic, usurping and occultly tyrannical words.

Those people who get trapped end up writing a treatise on their metamorphosis and then try to search for new words to camouflage their feelings but then they fail miserably and think that they have moved on.

But the bitter truth is, the vicious trap of those words is unbreakable and there is nothing called as “Moving On”.

You keep on subjecting yourself to  a pitiable predicament and finally die...... 

Do you believe in dreams???

A girl was sitting alone in a corner inside a dim lit area in the library. Reading a book by John Green “THE FAULT IN OUR STARS.” Engrossed in her book, she had buried herself deep in the story, playing scenes in her mind. As if she was imagining herself in place of the girl. Yes she was exquisite.

 She looked aside to see a figure come close. The boy seated himself right beside her. With a very innocent smile he asked, do you believe in dreams?

The girl was taken aback, surprised at the irrelevant question, and struck by his mysterious smile and dimples.

Hey miss, Do you believe in dreams? he asked again.

Actually yesterday i had a dream of this planet Mars. Have you heard about MARS!!! He continued asking her questions.

Umm yeah, I mean it's a planet, even a class 3 student knows about it, but why are you asking me this? she retorted fumingly.

I want to tell you a daydream I had, as you know the scientists have found life on Mars. Even there were some signs of water there. So the day is not far when human existence will be witnessed on Mars.

Okay, I read news, I am not dumb, she interjected.

The boy smiled shyly. No, I don't mean to test your intelligence, this is just a dream I thought I should share with you.

Okay, go ahead, she said suspiciously. Even she became interested in his dream.

So, a satellite was sent there by ISRO to investigate further about the planet and mission was named as mission MARS as you must have read that in newspaper.

The girl was just nodding.

The satellite has brought the most beautiful pictures of planet, its size, color, and even a heart shaped spot which was earlier unknown. Some footprints of weird animals were also recorded. As I watched the news, my mind started drifting away. I started day dreaming like I usually do. I started imagining how beautiful it would be to watch the sun set and moon rise from Mars, to walk on its land, climb mountains and look over the cliffs, all untouched by humanity. I saw myself walking on the planet with soiled feet and feeling it's air in my lungs. It was simply mesmerizing. I want to be that 1^st person to put my footsteps on Mars.

It would be beautiful, the girl said, now lost in his daydream the way she was lost in her book, trying to see herself in his place.

Yes, it would be. But, I woke up. Reality crept in, and I realized that this will never happen. It took the ISRO scientists like almost 12 years to reach there, it's unlikely that humans reach there soon, not at least in the next 30 years. Even if they do, I may not have the resources to go there. I am not Bill Gates. This dream, he sighed, will always be a dream. 

She felt the tragedy, a dream that is achievable but not destined to be true. 

The realization was bad, I was upset. It was the most happy dream but intertwined with a sad truth, he said with a hesitant smile.

But why did you tell me this? The girl now clearly curious.

So coming to the point finally, I saw you when I was leaving this room. You looked like the most beautiful person I ever saw. Suddenly it dawned upon me that I will never know you, I would never know the sound of your laughter, the depth of your eyes. I would never know how you speak when happy or how you behave when annoyed. Your curiosity, your behaviour, your habits, your fragrance, your voice, your favorite chocolates, favorite movies, favorite food, favorite color, favorite everything. You looked like a mystery, and leaving this room without speaking to you gave me that damned feeling again. 

Mars is too far for me, but you were just 7 feet away.

The girl was blushing, her palm sweating and her knees shaky. She could only muster up "Ohh", but her heart was beating like a 500 horsepower engine, hearing him compare her with his favorite dream. Her cheeks became tomato red and she was breathing heavily.

We are not friends, how would you know all this? How would you know me? she uttered.

The boy looked in her eyes, maybe we can meet in the CCD near your house tomorrow. We can start from your favorite coffee :P

She said Yes J

Happy ending

To be continued ……