Morning Walk!!! :)

The strong chilly morning, morning walk with a amazing person, Silchar morning are always enthralling. Beautiful sunrise, that first ray when falls on your face, oh, I feel truly awesome when the trees with me, the wind enthusiasing the real me in me. We walked together and my face used to wear a constant smile. The crepuscule on her face makes her look the prettiest simply like a fresh sunflower.

Morning is the perfect time when my mind and heart converse and talk. Being with her make me realize new things about me. I forget my past completely. Get rid of all the problems and just wanna seize that moment, the exquisite moments spent with her. 

A new realization, revelation of my own ingenuity, the way my conscience calls out to the world , meeting with my own yelling and screeching mind which has always been veiled by this ever soft and calm demeanor of her; this new day , self-discovery and cognizance of my own identity gives some stability to all the unrest that had hovered my sublime intellect with.

She loves playing with leaves, plucking and eating them. I always stop her from doing that. She loves flowers, she is very iridescent and ebullient, the scent of some distant flowers is making way through the mistiness of my surroundings, her presence gives me immense pleasure taking it to some new level , enticing me to forget all worries and agonies for a while , to feel the natural elements of happiness being represented around me. The way she loves nature and feels it, I am also finding symphony with her, trying to feel the real essence of nature the way she does, to find the best of all i can see or feel and to feel all that i have never felt before; for this perception means something, has a message for the lonely heart to find a companion within itself, to trust the presence of itself more than anyone else's and to enjoy being able to feel this autonomy with her.

Photograph!!!

And i only wish to wake up
one morning with my soul drenched in your love
and heart smeared with lust....
with you by my side
caressing me like a kid


When i look into your eyes
they twinkle brightest
your smile extends as if it will touch the two ears
I see your smile deeper
Raw happiness plastered
I stretch out for your chin
your once smooth warm skin
seems hard as rock
But you still look the same
At least does your photograph.....

Major missing :(

Tell me after so many years. Why is it, that when somebody mentions your name, the prison cell within which i kept our story as a prisoner in, find its release.... Even after so many year there are times when i miss you like hell... i pretend to people that everything is going well. But no its not true. Rarely people understand me. Only you did. The part that loved you inside my heart is still sharp and strikes the walls of my heart scratching them and that pain caused make me remember that i still love you ... but my eyes have lost that golden hue....

NIRVANA.... Food for thought

Just a question striked in my mind today ....

Don't you think the desire, to cease desire is also a desire? 

Patitya-samutpada or the theory of dependent origination, reaches it logical conclusion if an individual manages to overcome his desire, and becomes Nirvan (Blown-out) by living and dying dispassionately. But somehow this logic seems fallacious under the light of the above question?

Well  what desires are to people vary according to them. I am a big fan of Buddha theory. He said understanding your desires can lead you to path of enlightenment. The Buddha was very clear to articulate that the dharma (what we today call Buddhism) is merely a raft, not the destination. And when you reach the other proverbial shore, you never take the raft with you. You leave it behind. The dharma is simply a tool, one whose utility is limited. It is a conventional truth that can help you reach an ultimate truth. But never mistake one for the other.

Desires are like the sky . You cannot find an end to them. It is these desires that foster the seeds of merriment and the nubs of despondency -just like the sky , which houses the vibrant sun as well as plays the fount of all the storms . How i wish the perfection of each dimension enlightened my life ; that each and every person that i came across would be able to sense the aroma of munificence in me; how i enjoy to imagine that my desire of unfading freedom turns out to be true ; and that my dreams get desired by the wings of an eagle which soars high in the sky of achievements. Each day adds to the magnanimity of these desires and increases the murk of unattainability of the same. But this does not cease my heart's proclivity to wish and dream, to hope and imagine and to lie to myself.

But just give it a thought for once....

Isn't the idea of Nirvana self-contradictory?

I really enjoyed Mark Epstein's book Open to Desire. Through the story of the Ramayana, Epstein discusses how our desires are never truly fulfilled and this produces the existential angst or disconnectedness that the Buddha teaches. He is one of the few western authors that can explain tantra without resorting to vapid titillation.

Intention is Karma. Expectation is suffering. These are the dual aspects of desire, without regard to worldly discriminations (contradictions) of good/bad etc.

Within 'desire', there is the unseen fundamental desire arising from fundamental ignorance of our true nature (delusion), and the easily seen (sensual) petty desires arising from dependent confusions.

And if you have realized by now, this reduced desire of just the forward aspect of doing, which is the same for doing anything, is as good as nothing.. !!

You can think this way of doing Nirvana, not getting it....

ONE LINE TRY

She could only chuckle 
when she received the roses 
he said he would send her, 
for they were as crimson 
as his blood 
just after she shot him  :(

The Pain of Loss :(

Why is "Let Go" easier to say than implement.... I have tried to let things be... or let go of 

people so many times, but have never been successful.....

Why is that so difficult for me?? I just can’t see things falling apart. I can’t see people walk 

away, at least those who mean something to me. Is this some kind of psychotic or abnormal 

kind of disorder.Well i am  actually unable to figure out what keeps on running in my mind.

 From thoughts to dreams, everything seems too be so weird to me. Today i realised that 

beyond  a particular time no one in reality belongs to me. It is this temporary phase of life, 

till life rolls we like to possess people and things and proudly call them 'ours'. 


Today a friend suddenly asked me my story, the story of my life. I dared to tell her and this 

made me remember my mom again. 

Yes Maa i can't help missing you more than ever. I desperately want to turn time back again. I want you to be back. The grief is inexplicable and the loss feels unbearable. I miss your perfectly timed hugs, your sweet pampering, your selfless love. I remember the last promise i made to you was to be strong and stop flow of tears but I haven't been able to. I miss you, i really miss you a lot....


I wish I could be with you
For just another moment
To let you know how much you're missed
Each day ever since

I can still feel the warmth of your touch
I can still envision your smile, beautiful and lively
Though you are always there around me
Yet my eyes can't see you

Childhood storytales, eating food from your hand
your sweet pampering and love are no more
But memories have survived
Inside my core

Four years have passed
But it seems like yesterday
That I used to have you
Beside me everyday

Things have changed
And I am no more a innocent little boy of yours
I wonder what you would tell me today
If only I could hear what you have to say

I wish i could turn back time
Not just by years but decades
Right to the time i was a infant
I would have done a lot of things differently

Ya i would have never shown you disrespect
I wouldn't have tried to ignore you
I would have listened to your every advise
I would have stayed only with you  
only with you forever and ever

I wish I could be with you
For just another moment
To let you know how much you're missed
Each day every moment 
To let you know how much I Love you 
And how much I care for you

No matter how much I would wish to believe 

I can.... the truth is I can’t

Some things are inevitable :(

The best things about night

Thanks Geetanjali for the tag... 

Well for me every night is new to me each day. I have my own set of things which i love doing in night. Its the most peaceful time of 24 hours. Being a dark soul and a writer, i have no qualms in whatsoever in admitting that i am a 3 am person. Its difficult to point out one thing which is favourite about night. The night is for passion. It’s for fanaticism, romance and trouble. I belong to the night and night loves me back with equal fervour. It’s for wild hearts and unconcerned minds.It’s when the lonely seek comfort. As the saying goes "All true animals always comes out at night."

Though my soul may set in darkness,
it will rise in perfect light.
I have loved the stars too fondly
to be fearful of the night.

- From "The Old Astronomer (To His Pupil)" by Sarah Williams

Lying underneath an open sky was one of my favorite leisure activity during my childhood days (er... nights!). It was rejuvenating. I used to think a lot during late night hours just staring at the sky. A meteorite here, a satellite there. A few planets from out Solar System. And a steady stream of stars - floating ever so gently to the west. All part of a cosmic dance. Swaying, slowly. Yet, as a student of science, now I know they are anything but slow.

Have you met 3am? Have you heard the songs it sings and the nightmare it brings, when all you hear is death and stillness? Can you see the ghosts flying in the air? You look outside the window, and it's your past that you stare. There's a thunderstorm, blazing your mind, as you roam in the darkness to escape the grind. Have you felt the horrors of your existence, the past knocking on your window? You must applaud its persistence. And there's nothing to that moment that will hold you tight. And you realise that nothing in your life is either wrong or right. You realise that your life is nothing but a path of barren solitudeness. You realise that you've lost yourself in the sands of time, at this mirage of life, at the stillness of the night.

The silence where even a drop of needle can be heard. The refreshing chill and the absence of morning heat. The delight of city lights, the poetic thought chains, the fact that day is over and all bustles that come with it, the solitude, the sound of crickets, beats of music they produce, the twinkling stars, the racing thoughts during 3am, i bet none can beat that.

Starlit skies adorned with the coyly beaming moon, silver sheen of night is just mesmerising. Well frankly i do not understand mornings. I do not understand waking up early. I am procrastinator by birth. My mind starts functioning only after midnight. There is something magical about the night, something that makes me feel I am, after all a human. It convinces me that I am equally worthy of forgiveness for my past. It reassures me that I have hope for myself tomorrow. The possibilities, are endless. Tomorrow is yet, away.

A man does not lie at 3 am.

I learn to make peace with myself. The stars engulf me with a sense of wonder. All my loved ones are blissfully asleep. My foes have laid down their weapons and retired too. Everything is at a standstill, except for the rotating planet, twinkling stars and my thoughts. Yes my thoughts and they are so true and make me retrospect. My thoughts swim through the skies as a vagabond searching for validation. Oh, how weird and precious they can be. This is the hour when every song seems to be sung in my honor. This is the hour when I unfurl and become myself. This is the hour for reminiscence. This is the hour for stolen kisses and frantic reassurances in unlit corridors. This is the hour for dangerous texts, to dangerous souls and waiting for replies that never reach deep enough to heal us. 

The night, in its envelope of darkness eludes me. It makes me question my existence, and then answer it too.... 

Always remember... Quintessential art takes birth only in the loneliness,isolated surrounding...!!! (words of experience... :D)

your mind goes on in harmony with your HEARTBEATS...!!! <3

you can feel your each Breath...!!!

Night provides you another to get ahead of world...

when you look back, you never remember the nights you had plenty of sleep... !!!

and the last one...

and the aurora of optimism comes only after the gloomy night... :)