Major missing :(

Tell me after so many years. Why is it, that when somebody mentions your name, the prison cell within which i kept our story as a prisoner in, find its release.... Even after so many year there are times when i miss you like hell... i pretend to people that everything is going well. But no its not true. Rarely people understand me. Only you did. The part that loved you inside my heart is still sharp and strikes the walls of my heart scratching them and that pain caused make me remember that i still love you ... but my eyes have lost that golden hue....

NIRVANA.... Food for thought

Just a question striked in my mind today ....

Don't you think the desire, to cease desire is also a desire? 

Patitya-samutpada or the theory of dependent origination, reaches it logical conclusion if an individual manages to overcome his desire, and becomes Nirvan (Blown-out) by living and dying dispassionately. But somehow this logic seems fallacious under the light of the above question?

Well  what desires are to people vary according to them. I am a big fan of Buddha theory. He said understanding your desires can lead you to path of enlightenment. The Buddha was very clear to articulate that the dharma (what we today call Buddhism) is merely a raft, not the destination. And when you reach the other proverbial shore, you never take the raft with you. You leave it behind. The dharma is simply a tool, one whose utility is limited. It is a conventional truth that can help you reach an ultimate truth. But never mistake one for the other.

Desires are like the sky . You cannot find an end to them. It is these desires that foster the seeds of merriment and the nubs of despondency -just like the sky , which houses the vibrant sun as well as plays the fount of all the storms . How i wish the perfection of each dimension enlightened my life ; that each and every person that i came across would be able to sense the aroma of munificence in me; how i enjoy to imagine that my desire of unfading freedom turns out to be true ; and that my dreams get desired by the wings of an eagle which soars high in the sky of achievements. Each day adds to the magnanimity of these desires and increases the murk of unattainability of the same. But this does not cease my heart's proclivity to wish and dream, to hope and imagine and to lie to myself.

But just give it a thought for once....

Isn't the idea of Nirvana self-contradictory?

I really enjoyed Mark Epstein's book Open to Desire. Through the story of the Ramayana, Epstein discusses how our desires are never truly fulfilled and this produces the existential angst or disconnectedness that the Buddha teaches. He is one of the few western authors that can explain tantra without resorting to vapid titillation.

Intention is Karma. Expectation is suffering. These are the dual aspects of desire, without regard to worldly discriminations (contradictions) of good/bad etc.

Within 'desire', there is the unseen fundamental desire arising from fundamental ignorance of our true nature (delusion), and the easily seen (sensual) petty desires arising from dependent confusions.

And if you have realized by now, this reduced desire of just the forward aspect of doing, which is the same for doing anything, is as good as nothing.. !!

You can think this way of doing Nirvana, not getting it....

ONE LINE TRY

She could only chuckle 
when she received the roses 
he said he would send her, 
for they were as crimson 
as his blood 
just after she shot him  :(

The Pain of Loss :(

Why is "Let Go" easier to say than implement.... I have tried to let things be... or let go of 

people so many times, but have never been successful.....

Why is that so difficult for me?? I just can’t see things falling apart. I can’t see people walk 

away, at least those who mean something to me. Is this some kind of psychotic or abnormal 

kind of disorder.Well i am  actually unable to figure out what keeps on running in my mind.

 From thoughts to dreams, everything seems too be so weird to me. Today i realised that 

beyond  a particular time no one in reality belongs to me. It is this temporary phase of life, 

till life rolls we like to possess people and things and proudly call them 'ours'. 


Today a friend suddenly asked me my story, the story of my life. I dared to tell her and this 

made me remember my mom again. 

Yes Maa i can't help missing you more than ever. I desperately want to turn time back again. I want you to be back. The grief is inexplicable and the loss feels unbearable. I miss your perfectly timed hugs, your sweet pampering, your selfless love. I remember the last promise i made to you was to be strong and stop flow of tears but I haven't been able to. I miss you, i really miss you a lot....


I wish I could be with you
For just another moment
To let you know how much you're missed
Each day ever since

I can still feel the warmth of your touch
I can still envision your smile, beautiful and lively
Though you are always there around me
Yet my eyes can't see you

Childhood storytales, eating food from your hand
your sweet pampering and love are no more
But memories have survived
Inside my core

Four years have passed
But it seems like yesterday
That I used to have you
Beside me everyday

Things have changed
And I am no more a innocent little boy of yours
I wonder what you would tell me today
If only I could hear what you have to say

I wish i could turn back time
Not just by years but decades
Right to the time i was a infant
I would have done a lot of things differently

Ya i would have never shown you disrespect
I wouldn't have tried to ignore you
I would have listened to your every advise
I would have stayed only with you  
only with you forever and ever

I wish I could be with you
For just another moment
To let you know how much you're missed
Each day every moment 
To let you know how much I Love you 
And how much I care for you

No matter how much I would wish to believe 

I can.... the truth is I can’t

Some things are inevitable :(