The chaotic soul.....

Welcome to the land of chaotic souls. Here people live under the darkness of their own minds and no one is able to untangle the messed up knots of their heads. People don't fake a smile here. They cry in a locked room and scream their lungs out. That's not a mental illness. It's a cure according to them. They are happily sad. No one made them that way. Either their past or may be the circumstances that they live in made them that way. They chose to be sad. They search for that one ray of hope which would change it all. But they fall, they fall back. They have got endless questions with no one to answer. They consume pain and release tears. In their dark world, red attracts them the most. They create magic with blades. They leave behind trails of pain wherever they go. They paint pain on their wrists as an escape. They are beautiful souls with damp, morose eyes. Darkness, tears and pain is all they have for you. Unspoken words and untangled thoughts suffocate them. They find peace in only art, in abstract things. Sparks of fear burn them to ashes and they play with the ashes of their own old souls. You may feel that, once burnt down into ashes is their end. No. With a sway of mind, ignites fire in them again. This time full of anguish, yet pain doesn't leave them. They are dead yet alive. May be they have chosen this as their way of living. They are definitely not normal human beings. They are artists. All they need is love....

One Tree Hill - A single episode made my day

At this moment, there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes, all you need is one.

– Peyton Sawyer

Let love hurt me more.....

"Have you ever been in love?"... a question popped in my mind yesterday night
My mind travelled all beautiful memories, unexpressed feelings and untold sacrifices with that one person for a moment....

Yes, not my first love but with my second love.
In the next moment, I smirked and replied, "Love!!! Naah. It's not my cup of tea."

Yes. Love hurts. If it's not hurting it's not love.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.” 

You feel happy for weird reasons, sad at weird times, you can't think about anything else, it's like a drug. It's like a trance you get into. It can take you to the highest of highs but can also bring you crashing to the lowest of lows. Love makes you stronger because you have to get right back up from the low and go on with your life because you have a job, you have responsibilities to yourself.

Two people are trying to co exist as one. Two different people with different viewpoints and different thought processes. It is obvious it's not always going to be smooth sailing, but then love is so sweet you just can't help but want it more and more once you've tasted it.

If your love needs to depend on someone or something, then it will be hurt for sure, for you can never have a real control on other people or things. It then hurts badly. 

Even you are willing to make sacrification in expectation of receiving love in return, if it really comes because of your sacrification, that's a burden, obligation or gulity, not a real love. 

Maybe I always demanded things as she said me. But for me it came from inside, I had no false feelings for her. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.  

Love can only come from inside yourself, not on dependence on anything else. Even previously i have said her no matter what happens "but i will love you" but she always had an exclamation mark after " I love you but!!!".

For a split second I felt as though she was nobody special in the larger scheme of my life. She was just some girl who had tied me to her leg to help her sink when she jumped off the bridge. Then I blinked and was in love with her again... and it happens everytime. I don't know how will I survive

because I always fail this test. No one understands me and I understand everything she says, even her silence speaks to me....

I still love her and will always do.... Let it hurt me even more....

A questionnaire for the Imagineers.....

Thanks Geetanjali for putting the challenge up for me :P

1. If you wanted to name yourself again, what would it be?

Ans : I though have a very short and incredible name (meaning of my name indeed). For an alternate Indian name, i would go for Swayam may be or an English one, i guess something like Bond... James Bond ;)

2. If there has to be a book about you, how you want your biography to start?

Ans :He always lived in an illusion. Illusion that he is perfect piece in a perfect world. Illusion that he has a circle of comfort which is so fortified that he cant let anyone in it. Every first world problem was as real to him as a sunrise. Yet his unique pair of lenses of his world vision made him sorta idiosyncratic. He was not the leader of masses but he never un-followed himself. This is story of a man who Won some , lost Many and survived every storm in a itinerary they call "Life".

We are all mysterious inside. We learn to disguise our differences as we grow up, because fear of rejection takes over our very being. 

He wears a mask. But he won't hide who he is. 

This is about how he built his disguise, and yes that worked.

3. Would you like to kiss a complete stranger under the rain or an old friend beside a shore?

Ans: A stranger under the rain..... 

4. If you had to choose two famous figures to sit and have coffee with together, who would they be?

Ans: If I am looking for a meaningful conversation.. it has to be Bill Gates

If I am looking for sheer fun.. none else than Kurt Cobain  ! \m/ 3:)

5. If you could pack your bags, leave all behind and be forgotten for a month, where would you go?

Ans: Well i have a lot of places to visit in my bucket list but one month is too less for it. But still to answer i will go to Venice(my fav city), London, Norway, Chicago, Oakland and of-course Jammu and Kashmir.

6. People with a certain particular talent that you don’t have and wish you could?

Ans: People who have got their shit figured out. -_-   Also i wish i could dance.

7. One thing that always fascinated you and you know it always will.. ?

Ans: Undoubtedly the Fermi Paradox. To add up more things to the list it has to be human beings and their endless variations, the way nature works and also lucid dreaming :P. 

8. If god exists and you had to give him one advice, what would it be.. ?

Ans: First of all i don't believe in God and if he exists then just a simple advice  for him "Leave us alone and let us be."

9. What is the sexiest place you can imagine to do it on ?

Ans: On a skylight of a really really tall building.. under the night sky. Please don't judge me on this basis. I am a very decent guy.

10. If you had only one hour to live before the world comes to an end, how would you like to spend it?

Ans: Then I'd seek out the people I love and make sure that each and every one of them knew exactly why they were special to me. Also Wingsuit basejumping from the biggest cliff in this world having some breathtaking trails. That's the dariest adventure i want to try before i die.

11. If you could go back in time and meet yourself in the past for an hour, which year would you go and how would you like to spend the time?

Ans: I would go back to 2011.. when I was in standard 10 and my maa passed away... spend the entire hour with my maa explaining her what she means to me and how i will die eachday within if she leaves me. I love you the most maa. I miss you....

12. If you had to destroy yourself, how would you do it?

Ans: I would go to an unknown secluded place away from everyone. Probably a sea shore and then just keep walking in the sea till i reach the horizon....

Further i would like to tag Preksha and Hitesh for it :)

She asked me why i don't open up !!!!!

From being strangers to being chat friends, to being very good friends to best friends and now lovers...
Everything happened so lightning fast. She started to care, too much she shared. My morning starts with her and my night ends with her. We talk endlessly. I always push her to say things about her. But i still fear to say things about myself to her, specifically my problems with life. I can't imagine a single day without her. Like a strong dose of oxygen she jumped into my life and i don't wanna loose her for any reason. She has changed my life to a great extent. Minute things of her effects me a lot.  

She always would look at me softly in the eye, and ask me – what is the reason, when will you start sharing your problems with me, why are you so unsecure? I could not look back, I could not look up, I would just be quiet and I would just smile.
She asked me often, why don’t you open, why don’t you open up? I would take her hands, I would place them in mine, I would let her hold me, as I lay by her side.
I let her hold me, I let her take my words, she did not know but I had already opened up. I had said things which i never shared with anybody. I want her to understand that i wanna take things slow coz she might not be ready for all this. 
She might be thinking i am building walls. But trust me if you are lucky the wall in your name will have windows and may be even doors. And may be time and tenderness will erode the wall brick by brick. Just know that if i give you windows in the wall, we have got a shot and that's enough. 

Again even people ask me why i don't open up. The truth is when you start to like someone either they move, die or betray you, and you never see them again.

Well now the other part of the story. As this has always happened to me. The twist......

She suddenly told me then she did not love me,
She walked me to the door and softly kissed me.

I see my words crumble,
Into the night as I stumble
In my head I hysterically laugh
this is the reason why
I don’t open up....

Living in a state of constant wistful despair, perhaps, will be my destiny, said the loner

Longing to be touched by you, will perhaps, be mine, whispered back the horizon.....